back to the borderlands

pop

2006-05-26T09:14:00.000-05:00

onion...doin' it!

something to cheer me/you up

2006-03-20T16:18:00.000-06:00

whoever encoded this is the one that i love.

in america

2006-03-19T14:41:00.000-06:00

i've been deathly ill for days.
coughing unheard pleas into the night;
my chest both empty and full.

when will all of this be over? everything hurts, and i break down admitting the truth: i really don't deserve this. what good does it do to curl up with my afghan and watch all six hours of Angels in America? well, it's good to see that people who abandon those who would stick with them through thick and thin get what's coming to them. that's what. no, i'm not dying of AIDS, but there's no one here beside me holding my hand. why?

what is going on in my life?

2006-03-15T10:49:00.000-06:00

i find myself trying to forget everything and just be me, but every little thing that i think is me is a piece of shit. i've become even more angry than i can remember ever being. there are cycles of self-defeat that i'm starting to notice. i obsess over the most carnal and simple-minded things. there is more to me. i've seen it. when will that man return?

google image search fun

2006-03-08T10:55:00.000-06:00

ok, i thought it might be fun to try something different for a change. i'll pick a somewhat-random word and google image search it and take the first 5 to 10 images and lay them out for you and comment on them. sound like fun? let's get started:

WORD: hug

this thing barely qualifies as a hug. geez! where is it cool to hump monuments? that's what i want to know. i need to wash my eyes...mostly because THIS is the very first image for "hug." yuck!

there's not even a hug going on in this one. strike two, as far as i am concerned.

this might be cute if it wasn't for the fact that what is really going on here is that the baby on the right is trying to suffocate the other one. sad. at least this kinda looks like a hug.

awwww! sad hug. this is what hugs are all about: getting some love when you need it most. happy hugs are nice, but usually you just want to let go and go do something else or if you're hugging someone you're attracted to, you would probably want to turn the hug into a little more.

i see my parents in this one. i see protection and sneaky sensuality in this one also. i see hope in it.

DRUNK AND ANGRY!

2006-03-03T11:17:00.000-06:00

i'm drunbk and i have a drunks story:

i went downtown with my friend to skate/drink...that's what we do sometimes. we go down to "famous" 6th street. there are like ten thousand bands and a bunch of clubs. well, i gotr drunk and started being a dork. we found this club where there was a window behind the band and i stood back there and mimiced/mocked the drummer for quite a while. the whole club was staring at me and laughing and then the drummer finalluy looks back and sees me and gets MAD (he thoughts all the cheering was for him...lolz). he stopped playing at one point to tell the crouwd i had a small penis (his words)...so, of course, i showed them. and then i mooned them and kept on mocking him. fun night. oh, we got chased away.

haha

posted 03-03-06 at 2:30am

humble beginnings

2006-03-02T14:06:00.000-06:00

long before his enormous belly
and the mustache that ruffled like
opening nights on broadway

before you knew he was
going to sneak up and pinch you

that was when he made his way through
dust clouds and farmland

he made his way.

friends?

2006-02-24T14:15:00.000-06:00

how could this happen? amanda called me last night and we talked for hours. it was very nice to hear from her. i told her that my grandfather wasn't doing well and she really felt the pain there (she had met him). we talked about a lot of things, but one thing was the most important: we want to be real friends. we're going to make the effort. i'm excited and scared!

papa scott

2006-02-24T14:11:00.000-06:00

my grandfather passed away this morning. he had cancer. he didn't know he had cancer until 3 months or so ago. it did its damage quick, but i'm glad he's no longer in pain. i got to be with him last weekend and he was awake and talking to me and it was very nice. i told him i loved him and that i would be back to see him in a few days. i didn't know it would be for these reasons, but life has many twists and turns (how original). i don't have much more to say about that.

papa, i miss you already.

at just the wrong time

2006-02-09T10:27:00.000-06:00

amanda called me last night. i've been trying to figure out why since i hung up. my dad was on his way into town, and i got one call from her on the home phone and then one on the cell. i didn't answer either call. she didn't leave me a message either time. she's been calling since my birthday which wasn't so long ago, but i haven't felt like going through all of it with her. besides, a little neglect would do her good. a taste of her own medicine? anyway, i was a little worried that something was the matter up in the empire state. what could it be? maybe i could find out before my dad showed up at my door. i called back.

i won't go into the details of our conversation, but here are the main points that i took away from it:
- she wanted to hear from me so that she could feel better about herself
- she thinks about me (she's a little worried she'll never meet someone who will make her feel like i did)
- she would rather admit that she should have broken up with me before the move than admit the move was a mistake
- she was most taken aback by the fact that i do not read her blog anymore than any other fact that came up
- she is coming away from the break up with a very passive-agressive attitude (she kept insisting that i'm mad at her and that i hate her)
- she is still very self-absorbed (she said something to the effect of "it's hard but this is just how it has to be right now") RIGHT NOW?! this is how it's going to be for good and it's because you ruined it!

oh yeah, my dad showed up and we went out for dinner with some guy he's been talking to about a project. i tried to keep a straight face. i'm still trying. amanda, listen to me. i know you want me to remember the good times, and i do, but you knew from the beginning that i wanted more. i wanted forever. what? were you scared of love? there was/is no good excuse for new york. you made it happen. you hit the eject button.

no ordinary love

2006-02-06T01:01:00.000-06:00

i'll admit, i still think about A when i hear a good heartbreak song. 

i want to get past that stage, but all i can do is feel it out. 
i'm becoming more and more tactile in my old age.  it's always good to take
yourself lightly.  anyway, here are some lyrics that could only come from the
silky, smooth voice of SADE:

I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love
Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby

I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love

I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby

This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love

When you came my way
You brightened every day
With your sweet smile

Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby

This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love

I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby

This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love

Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying I'm falling

I'm falling

Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying for you I'm falling
I'm falling

birth day

2006-02-05T01:29:00.000-06:00

friday was my birthday.

i don't know why.

yep.

just listen

2006-02-05T01:26:00.000-06:00

You know where you are
You're in the jungle baby
You're gonna die
In the jungle
Welcome to the jungle

cursive (all of a sudden)

2006-01-27T15:51:00.000-06:00

when it comes to handwriting, i write in print. always. my signature is a combination of print and cursive, but that's about the only time i ever tinker with cursive. i'm not sure why. there's something a little too spirited about cursive. you had better be having a damn good day if you write me a note in cursive. i just won't put up with cursive-abuse. it's abusive enough by itself. so, why is it that i've been getting the urge to write in cursive lately?

magic?
expanded consciousness?
love?
metal illness?
disillusionment?

strengthening

2006-01-24T08:44:00.000-06:00

i feel really good. my muscles have been so sore the past few days, but i know it's from all the skating. i've been asked why i was limping several times. pretty funny. i looked like an old man hobbling all over the place. i knew that since the muscles were growing i needed to keep working them. so, we went to the park last night. ryan (friend) has been teaching me ramps. skating street my whole life had me stuck in a skateboard rut. i'm not as bad at the transition as i thought.

i have a bunch of bruises and scabs and scrapes, of course.

a poem:

Hunger
by Billy Collins

The fox you lug over your shoulder
in a dark sack
has cut a hole with a knife
and escaped.

The sudden lightness makes you think
you are stronger
as you walk back to your small cottage
through a forest that covers the world.

rolling out of bed all day long

2006-01-20T11:12:00.000-06:00

that's what's going on. nothing else. i have so much i should be doing (i suppose), but i'm not out to impress anyone. no one is happy when i clean my apartment. if i'm happy about it at all, it's minimal.

i send up my anger like pillars of enraged marble into the unassuming firmament. the earth spews it's dusty spitle at my feet. the architecture of pain raises a roof over my throbbing skull. etc. etc.

where's this coming from? well, i'm childish and i have nothing better to do than listen to my feelings.

happiness in being wrong

2006-01-18T09:37:00.000-06:00

there is nothing right about all of this. nothing. but i guess i'm used to it. being wrong is second nature now. i let something grow inside of me. i let it take up more space than ever before. it grew in all directions. i felt it everywhere.

our lives were a duet with outrageous harmonies. it figures one of us would go solo. people have their reasons. i wanted to understand at first. now, i just want to put it all in a box and forget it. i wrote all the songs. i came up with all the melodies. you just showed up. you're beautiful, and i hope someone can use that.

you knocked the breath out of me. i'm doubled over.

i feel the need to rant. that's not an apology. it might be wrong, but it's exactly what i need. my sister told me about a friend of her and her husband's who has two tumors in his brain. they're not sure yet if they are malignant or benign, but one of them is deep in the core of his brain and they don't think they will even try to take that one out. it's too dangerous. besides, his brain has gotten used to it. it's grown around it. that's what all of this feels like. the deepest, most rooted thing is being ripped from my insides. if you think i'll go through this quietly...you are wrong.

if you haven't already written me off, hear this:
i will find happiness in being wrong. i will run screaming into the hills and live with the animals before i let this happen again. i deserve more. maybe that sounds like i'm convincing myself, but i wouldn't have to if i wasn't so weak and defeated. who did that to me? you. own up to it. i know it's easier to keep your focus on your own affairs, but there are things happening outside of the big city...believe it or not. hearts break in middle america. i'm proof.

dead

2006-01-17T23:47:00.000-06:00

why bother?

open letter to amanda green

2006-01-17T23:33:00.000-06:00

i don't want to cry anymore. all of my anger and rage comes from a very honest place. anyone with eyes can see how i feel. it's all over my face.

you think this "gap" is all about you. it's your time, right? little miss wide eyes needs to live. oh yeah, i really want to sit around watching you figure things out. i have nothing better to do with my life. also, i don't care if you think my sarcastic tone is wrong. i'm taking me back.

you've worn me down. i don't like that.

sam

i felt bad for alanis morissette last night

2006-01-17T08:14:00.000-06:00

ok, so you know how the stuff she sings about in her song "Ironic" isn't ironic at all? well, why pigeonhole her? so, i listened to the lyrics this time:

It's the good advice that you just didn't take

i've been there, alanis. i feel your pain. as a matter of fact, i'm going through something right now that really sounds like what you're singing about.

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

whoa! stop reading my mind!

It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife

i wouldn't say "wife"...but there is something that's getting between me and what i want. that's like what you'e talking about, right? sure, the "ironic flub" sucked, but these lyrics scratch me right where i itch.

i seriously felt bad for her. when you've been denied happiness as much as she has, you'll get a special pass with the english language, too. it lets you use it incorrectly and still get your point across. we all knew what she meant. admit it. there is something ironic about failure. you don't even know what you're doing on this planet, but you think you should be able to judge what is "supposed" to happen in life. what is it that can give us such egos? you're just lucky when someone bumps into you in the never-ending fog and you realize that you can go the next leg of the journey with someone to talk to. why would anyone turn down a partner? that's what i want to know.

isn't it ironic that a person would listen to a song that they thought didn't make any sense and then learn something from it...doncha think?

playing around

2006-01-12T15:41:00.000-06:00

i started working on scene one last night. i think i'm really setting a mood. that's the goal. if i can create characters within a believable space that act naturally within that space, that would really push the plot and sub-plot and so on, on. things will "fall" into place from there. i remember one of my professors telling us about a novelist who said that she didn't observe her characters; she chased after them. what a beautiful way to look at it.

sometimes i start thinking about the play and i burst with ideas. i need focus. i told barbara (a co-worker) today at lunch that i want the kind of focus that a person has when they think they are about to be killed by someone. you're strapped naked to an operating table and they have a chainsaw about a foot from your neck...you're thinking, "how can i get through this? i must live." that kind of focus is priceless.

it's funny where ideas come from. i was driving home from a friend's last night and i saw a wreck on the freeway. the paramedics were out doing their thing. for some reason i imagined a paramedic who goes around using his "so there i was, scraping this poor, old lady's skull off the road..." stories to impress people at parties. i also imagined his kid both loving the gory details and detesting his father's self-righteous attitude.

Enter Porter. (my main character)

paste

2006-01-12T02:07:00.000-06:00

i asked one of the girls working in the grocery store, who was walking past in the toothpaste aisle, if she knew the difference between "invigorating mint" and "refreshing mint." she smiled at me. i'm glad she liked my joke.

SEINFELD - eat your heart out!

...

2006-01-10T02:42:00.000-06:00

a windfall wasted

2006-01-05T15:15:00.000-06:00

i need to get around
need to turn from upside down
blood was pumping when i woke up
and if it spills
it's not like it won't soak up

HOOKED

2006-01-05T09:49:00.000-06:00

38 - 41

can anyone say "party"?
my friend and i went downtown after the game last night to join in on the city-wide celebration. we had no idea how big it could get. every car...let me stress that part...EVERY CAR we passed/were behind/were ahead of was honking like mad and EVERYONE was jumping like 4 feet in the air throwing up the HOOK 'EM! it was total grid-lock but it was exactly what everyone wanted.
once we got downtown, we found a sweet parking space and took to our skateboards. we just weaved in and out of people yelling and letting their inner nutcase out. at first we thought we'd go drinking, but we quickly realized that there was more adrenaline in that place than we'd ever be able to handle tipsy/drunk. so, we just watched people and skated.

i had fun.

s p a c e s b e t w e e n

2006-01-04T00:43:00.000-06:00

i imagine
getting off my couch.
i imagine
packing my luggage.
i imagine
locking my front door.

i imagine
taking a bus to the airport.

i imagine
checking my bags.

i imagine
zig-zagging through the cattle call.
i imagine
walking through the "beep" machine.

i imagine
putting my shoes back on.

i imagine
waiting.
i imagine
boarding.
i imagine
taxiing.
i imagine
flying.
i imagine
crying.
i imagine
landing.

i imagine
looking for my luggage.
i imagine
buying my transit pass.

i imagine
riding the bus into the city.
i imagine
crossing the crosswalk at broadway to your side.

i imagine
walking.
i imagine
smiling.
i imagine
standing.
i imagine
buzzing.

i imagine
knocking on your door.
i imagine
looking into your face.

can you imagine?

resolute

2006-01-02T00:28:00.000-06:00

well, i just missed new year's day, but i can still make some resolutions:

-i'd like to make enough money to not have to work two jobs
-losing some weight around my belly would be great, too
-read more
-write more (maybe i'll finish the play i'm "working" on)
-meet new people

i'll stop there. five reslotions is plenty to set myself up with.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

for some reason, saying that to people this year took on new meaning. i felt it more. strange.

once, i thought i was wrong, but i was mistaken.

2005-12-30T00:10:00.000-06:00

i needed to write the title down before i forgot it. in my back pocket there was a piece of paper with two phone numbers on it. now i needed a writing utensil. my friend asked me what the phone numbers were for when i sat down at the table to write. i thought.

"the first one is for the long island transit train information desk. i called them earlier today about how to get from the airport in long island to anywhere in manhattan. i had just made arrangements to fly up there in february to spend time with my girlfriend of three years, but i don't know if i'll be going through with those arrangements because i ended our relationship a couple of hours later. she hasn't made me feel special in weeks...

...the second phone number is to the hospital room back in my hometown where my mother's father is laid up with everything under the sun wrong with him. i wonder if my family just didn't want to alarm me about him when they said i didn't need to go back home, that he would be just fine, eventually. i wondered that and i wondered if i could live with all the things wrong with me."

lights, camera, action... [take 2]

2005-12-29T12:10:00.000-06:00

well, dye my hair black and paint my jeans on!

2005-12-22T11:39:00.000-06:00

i'm feeling extremely emo.

if someone wants you to just be their good times, they should just get a pet. people have things on their minds and they want to talk about those things. i want to talk about things. i want to talk about really important things. yeah, maybe these things aren't fun or happy, but they are worth something. LISTEN TO ME! i'm tired of saying this.

Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart.
-Margaret Cho

pounding it out

2005-12-20T15:04:00.000-06:00

notraces

we ran and ran until the end of the road was something we couldn't overcome. nothing laid beyond our shivering bodies. why had we gone so far without even looking into each other's faces? the trail behind, smoldering with forgotten passions and wasted resources.

nothing had ever stood in our way before. on the occasion something did, we always found our way around it. we just knew it wouldn't be so easy this time. a distant voice called out to our inner animal; telling us it was time to face defeat the only way we could. tears welled up and language became useless.

surrounded by our own mistakes and mountains of regret, we turned on each other. something had to die in order for something else to live. we bared our teeth and went for the throat.

someone had to come out on top. somehow status would surely find them heaving, ankle-deep in their challengers' blood.

not enough magic

2005-12-19T16:22:00.000-06:00

well jesus is magic did not happen last night. the 10:50 showing was a missprint. i'm going to go tonight at 7:35 instead.

my girlfriend did this interview thing in her blog and i'm a big copycat, so...

what's with the hat? you think you're some kind of cabbie?
don't you think you should be asking me about my upcoming movie?

you have a movie coming out?
no.

don't piss me off!
i'm going to see a movie later today.

in that hat?
well, my hair looks like doo doo.

what's wrong with it?
it has doo doo in it. no! just kidding, it's getting too long.

maybe you should get a haircut.
no shizzle, shizzerlizzock!

don't talk to me like that.
who do you think you are?

i'm you interviewing yourself.
oh, i've heard this one before.

let's get back to your hair. are you going to cut it soon?
yeah, wednesday i have an appointment at the grateful head.

that sounds cool.
yeah, i'm a cool person.

ok...you mentioned your girlfriend...
no, that was before the interview. how do you know about her?

i told you. i AM you.
this is getting ridiculous. how do you expect an interview with myself to turn out interesting at all?

well, it won't if you keep asking the questions when I'M the interviewer.
i'm sorry.

so...girlfriend...
yeah, she lives in new york and she teaches language arts to horny middle schoolers in harlem.

why are they horny?
biological urges? peer pressure? the media? the government? ILLUMINATI!

whoah! where did that come from?
you know it's true.

you have some issues with authority?
you could say that. i just want to be me, baby.

do you have any more questions you want me to ask?
nah, i think the people got what they wanted. they'll go see my movie.

i thought you said...
oh, no! i'm famous. you missed out.

weakend

2005-12-18T21:57:00.000-06:00

ok, friday night i DJed a party for some friends of friends. the crowd seemed to be made up of mostly UT teaching assistants and grad students. they were making some hot, german wine-drink. it was pretty good, but i was glad there was a keg out back. we kept the party rocking until the wee hours, but i left at 2 because i had to be at work at 8:30. the hostess got my number for any future shindigs. right on!

saturday was...was...um...i was too tired for saturday, but i pulled off the shift and the after work christmas party that i forgot about. they were handing out drink tickets at the party. i gave those away to the crazy lushes who i don't even know because they work weekdays. my two jobs are starting to blend together. i will be so happy to have the time off for the holidays.

today was another whopper. too much to pack into a paragraph or two, but most of it would be boring to read anyway. i'm going to go see the sarah silverman: jesus is magic movie tonight just so i can be tired at work tomorrow. why ruin a good streak, right?

so, where's the miracle?

2005-12-15T14:15:00.000-06:00

i live just a hop skip and a jump from austin's "famous" 37th street, literally. what is it famous for (you might be asking)? christmas lights! well, i guess you could say it's one of the flagships of the "keep austin weird" mantra. some years you can see stuff like this:

i don't know if it was the time of night i went out there (little before midnight) or the fact that it's not the week of christmas or what, but it was quite the let down. i'll have to try again next week or something. i want to take some video and try and upload it to see if the youtube service is worth it.

aside from that, there's very little on my plate. i think i'm going to bring "12 monkeys" over to ryan's tonight and we might play some records. why does my life have to be so glamorous?

every movement, a balk

2005-12-14T10:57:00.000-06:00

stunned by cupid's trepan
traveling without destination
on the path to certain chaos
if something doesn't
come up soon

iconoclastic and cantankerous
nothingness taking on the world

truth dresses up for today
empties its pockets of identification
and makes for the door
returning to divide
sanity into perfect halves

facilitating betterment

2005-12-13T14:19:00.000-06:00

a list of things i hope to be able to offer my child (that i was not offered):

- more time together (one-on-one)
- foreign language classes at a young age
- camp (specific to their interests)
- college (paying for it)

a list of things i hope to be able to offer my child (that i was offered):

- love
- 3 good meals a day
- a roof
- clothes
- the opportunity to see a foreign country
- pets

wicked parables

2005-12-13T09:23:00.000-06:00

i think that would make a great title for a book of short stories.

obviously, it's about the juxtoposition and conotation. the only time you ever hear anyone use the word "parable" is when they are refering to jesus. why should he get exclusive rights to that word?

the other day on the news i heard about a lady who had to change her coffee shop's name because it sounded too much like "starbucks." her first name is "sam" and her maiden name is "buck." so, she called her shop "sambucks." when i heard the lawyers saying that it was probably smart for starbucks to sue, i got all tense. corporations suck so hard! the lawyers brought up the subject of brand names that had been absorbed into common usage (refrigerator, kleenex, etc). ok, i understand that a company that CREATES OR BUILDS a product has the right to protect the brand name of said product, but starbucks did not invent coffee. coffee beans grow out of the ground (last i heard). this brings up the subject of "the commons." they are slipping through our fingers. everything will have a brand name on it in the future, and a team of high-paid-lawyers behind that brand name. amerifish! unitree! transdirt! deal with it. ...but how?

that's my long way of getting around to this:
break the rules or they will break you. fewer and fewer laws in this country/world are for your protection/benefit. some guy in a suit might try and tell you that they are, but if there was even one ounce of benevolence in this crap we're fed why do we feel worse off?

oh, boy! am i getting in the holiday spirit or what?

"don't call me...i'll call you."

2005-12-12T11:23:00.000-06:00

i'm going to try this again. before, i always felt like if i wasn't saying something worthwhile there was no point, but i think i just need to spill my ooey gooey guts to get past the blockage. i haven't written a poem in over a year. what's that all about?!

moving on...

i found out yesterday that i WILL get christmas eve off. this is very good news. it means i will be able to head up to granbury (where my dad's parents live) early for the festivities (including seeing my brother and his new bride) and leave the 26th or something and go see amanda down in corpus. she'll be heading back to new york on the 1st of january. if i had a penny for every second i wasn't thinking about her...i wouldn't be eating lunch today.

speaking of things i can't afford, i really want a new scratch mixer.

this is the Rane 56. yum. 3eq...very small on the cut in...durable as hell! maybe someday. maybe santa will get me one.

a poem:

March
by Lewis Hyde

Sparrows in the
diamonds of the
chain link fence