friends?

how could this happen? amanda called me last night and we talked for hours. it was very nice to hear from her. i told her that my grandfather wasn't doing well and she really felt the pain there (she had met him). we talked about a lot of things, but one thing was the most important: we want to be real friends. we're going to make the effort. i'm excited and scared!

papa scott

my grandfather passed away this morning. he had cancer. he didn't know he had cancer until 3 months or so ago. it did its damage quick, but i'm glad he's no longer in pain. i got to be with him last weekend and he was awake and talking to me and it was very nice. i told him i loved him and that i would be back to see him in a few days. i didn't know it would be for these reasons, but life has many twists and turns (how original). i don't have much more to say about that.

papa, i miss you already.

at just the wrong time

amanda called me last night. i've been trying to figure out why since i hung up. my dad was on his way into town, and i got one call from her on the home phone and then one on the cell. i didn't answer either call. she didn't leave me a message either time. she's been calling since my birthday which wasn't so long ago, but i haven't felt like going through all of it with her. besides, a little neglect would do her good. a taste of her own medicine? anyway, i was a little worried that something was the matter up in the empire state. what could it be? maybe i could find out before my dad showed up at my door. i called back.

i won't go into the details of our conversation, but here are the main points that i took away from it:
- she wanted to hear from me so that she could feel better about herself
- she thinks about me (she's a little worried she'll never meet someone who will make her feel like i did)
- she would rather admit that she should have broken up with me before the move than admit the move was a mistake
- she was most taken aback by the fact that i do not read her blog anymore than any other fact that came up
- she is coming away from the break up with a very passive-agressive attitude (she kept insisting that i'm mad at her and that i hate her)
- she is still very self-absorbed (she said something to the effect of "it's hard but this is just how it has to be right now") RIGHT NOW?! this is how it's going to be for good and it's because you ruined it!

oh yeah, my dad showed up and we went out for dinner with some guy he's been talking to about a project. i tried to keep a straight face. i'm still trying. amanda, listen to me. i know you want me to remember the good times, and i do, but you knew from the beginning that i wanted more. i wanted forever. what? were you scared of love? there was/is no good excuse for new york. you made it happen. you hit the eject button.

no ordinary love

i'll admit, i still think about A when i hear a good heartbreak song. 

i want to get past that stage, but all i can do is feel it out. 
i'm becoming more and more tactile in my old age.  it's always good to take
yourself lightly.  anyway, here are some lyrics that could only come from the
silky, smooth voice of SADE:

I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love
Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby

I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love

I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby

This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love

When you came my way
You brightened every day
With your sweet smile

Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby

This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love

I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby

This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love

Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying I'm falling

I'm falling

Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying for you I'm falling
I'm falling

birth day

friday was my birthday.

i don't know why.

yep.

just listen

You know where you are
You're in the jungle baby
You're gonna die
In the jungle
Welcome to the jungle